An Artist's Musings...

My aunts and uncles (Mom's side of the family) are here to visit for the weekend and most of next week. Aunt Carol just got here today and is staying with us, which I always love. She's a riot. I wish I got to see her more, but she lives in FL with husband #3, Ernie, who I can't stand. And neither can anyone else, really. She had a minor stroke AND heart attack earlier this year, and that scared the hell out of everyone. She's only 63, a few years older than my mom. Very frightening. But, thank God, she's doing much better now and, more importantly, is still with us.

I work tomorrow at 5am and Saturday at 5:30am. I wish I had off this weekend so that I could spend more time with everyone. I know I'll still get to see them, but it's kind of a bummer. I don't see them very often, as everyone lives in different states. Should be an interesting reunion, to say the least... Aunt Marcia will be plastered most of the time (like she always is, HA!), Uncle Scott will be hilarious but continue to tell flat-out lies about his life, Uncle Mark and Aunt Linda will be fun but will make a point of not sticking around too long, Aunt Carol will be--as I've already mentioned--her hilarious self, and Grandma Marnie will be out to try and control everyone's "time" together. To be continued...

In other news, I have an interview next week with a different LGH facility downtown. I'm hoping they pay more, because if they don't it won't be worth it. This one b*tch that I work with interviewed for the same position and is acting all pissed off that I've applied for it, too. Uhhh...whatever, sweetheart! LOL. Last time I checked is was a hiring position open to everyone, not just you. I'd love to get it, even if it's not exactly what I want, just to spite her. :) ::insert evil laugh::

I'm also in the midst of applying to grad schools. I've filled out most of the applications, now I just need references, transcripts, a statement declaring my "academic goals", writing samples (eeek!!), and the dreaded GRE (major anxiety attack!!!)

At least things are finally starting to happen in my life. I can't complain. So, I won't.

So, I decided to take the GRE (finally!) I signed up for two online prep courses, one for the English section and one for the Math. I'm really nervous to re-examine my stupidity level when it comes to standardized tests. There's a reason I've avoided the GRE for so long... I was in applied mathematics in high school, whilst at the same time took AP level English. Needless to say, it's been awhile since my nightmarish days of algebra and geometry. I'm not looking forward to rekindling those hellish moments. But I have to take the GRE. I have to remind myself it will help me get into a better, more reputable university; that, and it's a requirement for most grad programs anyway. Ugh. The classes start tomorrow.

I just hope I do decently enough to score at least average on the exam. The classes are costing me $200, and the GRE itself is $300-$400. Heh. There's definitely a solid rationale for not going back to school. It's so damn expensive.

Still, I'm excited. I'm ready to take the next steps. I'm tired of stewing and just talking about what I'd like to do with my life. It's time to get a move on and push ahead.

So, I met with Chad this morning to discuss my grad school options. He cleared up a few of my reservations and questions, which was a real relief. He also happens to have an acquaintance who's already done the Masters program I'm interested in and has several MA/PhD contacts on the East Coast and in the region that I'm considering doing my Masters. So, I'm hoping this person will also have some in depth advice and suggestions for me. We'll see!

I hung out with Kristen, Justin, and little Harper this afternoon. It was nice, relaxing, and a whole lot of fun! I think I've really made some progress with them over the past nine months. I was hardly speaking to them at one point, and Kristen and I have always had our struggles in the past. But I think we're well on our way to making amends. We actually hang out a lot more than we use to, and I'm starting to realize we have a lot more in common than I thought. It's refreshing and meaningful to finally be close to my sister, especially when I had always thought that this kind of closeness would just never happen.

I have a crazy week ahead. I'll be working a lot (including this coming Saturday, boo!), and my mom's siblings are all coming this weekend. Looking forward to seeing some and not so much others; will be a very interesting week with the Helikson clan all together.

Still looking into the whole Masters in English/Creative Writing route. I put together a list and am going to meet with Chad, my brother-in-law, sometime next week to "discuss" my options. So excited! Very anxious to get a move-on with my life! *fingers crossed*

I've had a good week so far. Had dinner with one of my best friends who I haven't seen in awhile on Sunday. It was great getting to catch up with her. Then, on Tuesday, I caught up with one of my closest friends who now lives in Ohio. Her family is moving back to PA, about an hour away from here, and we both discussed possibly becoming roomates if/when she moves back next Spring. I can't count on that happening, but I'm hopeful. She's one of a select few I could room with and honestly not loose my mind. LOL! Thursday night I went on a date for the first time in months. It was a very nice date, we had a good time overall, so I'm wondering if he'll call. I never know what to think about guys anymore though. Haven't heard from him yet so I'm trying to abide by the "three days" rule. Hmmmm. Yesterday night I went to a great restaurant in the city, Characters, with a good friend and former co-worker. I love seeing her. No matter how hard things may be at any given moment, she is one of the very few people who can always get me laughing and in a good mood. :)

I feel so blessed in my friendships. I truly have some terrific people in my life, and this week was a positive reminder of that. I'm very grateful.

Anyone familiar with or heard of Warnborough University, based in the UK/Ireland. They offer online MA/MFA and PhD programs to anyone around the world. I'm just wondering how reputable they are and would love to hear more from either alumni or folks based in the UK that might, at least, be more familiar with this university than myself.

Please reply with your candid thoughts! The more I know, the better!

Well, I've been trying for almost a year now to get a full-time job, more particularly at the hospital where I work. Every time I get close, it all comes crashing down. It's all a big tease. Full-time is dangled in my face and then taken away from me. I'm sick and f***ing tired of this damn rollercoaster.

I applied for a part-time position I really wanted over a month ago. The supervisor (Tracey) also happens to be my former supervisor, so she knows me well and my work ethic. After applying, I wasn't hearing anything so I had my current supervisor, Susan, put in a good word for me, which she was more than happy to do, and, sure enough, Tracey got in touch shortly afterwards and set up TWO interviews for me (one with her and one with another person I would, potentially, be working under.) The interviews went very well and she pretty much garanteed me a position. Well, then I get a lovely phone call from Human Resources today after working telling me the opposite: they hired someone else. WTF?!? I hadn't heard from Tracey for over a week after my interview, so I was planning to e-mail her tomorrow if I hadn't heard anything. Guess now I don't have to. What the hell was her point of putting me through all that if she knew there was someone else who was pretty close to getting the job? (I know this from two co-workers who will be working at the place I applied. The one is a good friend and kept me pretty much in the loop with everything that was happening. Tomorrow when I see her, I know she'll be just as stumped and surprised as me. I'm not looking forward to telling her I won't be working with her, and it will be sad saying goodbye...)

I'm so tired of the BULLSHIT mind fuck games! I'm through with working my ass off for the past freakin' year to show to these higher-up @$$holes that I'm a hard worker and good at what I do. I work any extra hours I'm given (including doing over 40 hours a week for several months in a row when no one else cared) and am more flexible than anyone else on staff. I'm reliable, trustworthy and always come in and do my job. And where has my hard work gotten me? Absolutely FUCKING no where!!!!

I'm spent. I don't know what else to do. And what's worse, I need a second job in the worst possible way, but I don't even give a damn anymore.

Okay, I posted this on my other LJ, but it's such a personal topic that it really belongs here.

In my post from yesterday, I mentioned my interest in taking some Creative Writing classes to "freshen" my writing. I've spent the last several hours looking up courses (both local and online) and, somehow, I've (not surprisingly) managed a leap from Creative Writing 101 to getting a Masters in English (or Creative Writing). HA! Yet, it makes sense...

Okay, those who know me well are aware that I have many, many interests. If I could receive an education and live on campus at a university 24/7, it would thrill me to bits! Art and English have always been my first loves, followed closely by History. I often reflect, if I could go back and do college all over again, I never would have left Penn State to go to art school. Yes, that's correct. I would have stayed at PSU and minored in Fine Art and majored in English (ta dah!) How ironic, considering that was something my family suggested to me from the beginning. I guess sometimes family does know best. Hmp!

I'm not at all shocked that my interest in an English Masters has reemerged. Precisely a year ago I was in the midst of putting my applications in order to go for my masters in Fine Arts. It seemed like the natural next step at the time but, thankfully, I did not go through with it. After rushing to get my applications together, it slowly dawned on me that my others interests, the other areas I wanted to pursue (and would probably benefit from more), were calling to me.I already had my degree in Fine Arts; I had invested four solid years into this one creative outlet. My conscious was requesting those other artist hobbies to breathe. In other words, I am totally satisfied with my BFA. I no longer feel the desire or need to pursue further education in the art world. My palette is not complete, by any means, and I consider painting/drawing a life-long learning experience, but I'm ready to pursue my other loves at a higher intellectual level.

Even though I'm in the midst of starting a possible teaching certification program for Art/English, I've always known in the back of my mind that I will get my masters. After all, in most fields of education, a BA or BFA is no longer enough. Masters are practically a requirement now for most professional institutions. (Not that I'm making excuses, but it is so.) I still plan to "test the waters" of the H.S. teaching route, but I don't expect it to last. For me, it's always been a means to an end. The drive for myself has always been, when it comes to teaching, to work at the university level. That's the ultimate goal. I'm planning to talk to an adviser at Millersville University about what the requirements might be to switch into the Masters program once I've been accepted. I'm also researching a few online creative writing courses I've discovered. Either way, I think I'm finally on the right path. It's taken me such a long time to reach this point (far longer than most!), but I'm compelled to believe this may have been my path all along.

We'll see. :)

Well, I survived my birthday (HA!) but I'm still a little depressed. I guess there's just a lot of things that I thought would be different at this stage of my life, but I can't let myself dwell on things too much. I need to remind myself that life is good and there's a reason that I am where I am right now, even if I don't fully believe in that kind of crap. *cough!*

Anyhoo, I'm thinking of enrolling in some creative writing classes, though if I start school this Winter in addition to possibly having two jobs, I dunno where the hell I'll find the time. But we'll see. I want to improve my writing, and I'm working on a story I'm really passionate about. Might as well get tips so I can perfect it!

I have three commissions to do before Christmas, and what's scary is I'm not motivated to work on any of them. Yikes! I really should get a move on, but I can't bring myself to work on them. UGH! I hate that I've lost my motivation to do art. It frightens me to think I may have lost my touch entirely. Hopefully, whenever I start them, I'll discover that that's not true? Eh, typing that isn't very convincing to me...

So I've become a little obsessed with Anne Rice's The Vampire Chronicles series, and I haven't even read all of them yet. (I know I'm supposed to use my other LJ for books/writing topics but can I just say that Armand is, in my mind, absolute eye candy??? He can bite me anytime. LOL!)

I watched a great movie this afternoon: Possession with Jeremy Northam, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Jennifer Ehle. I had never seen it before, though I've wanted to watch it for a long time. Now I'm dying to read the book. I thought it was beautifully done (and the London/England backdrop was quite amazing to obsess over, too.) :)

Lillian "Lily" Kate Rice, born today at 12:44am, weighing 7lbs 11ounces.

She looks like an adorable cabbage patch doll, as well as resembles her big brother, Connor Rice, to a fault.

I couldn't be prouder! I love being an aunt. :)

It just popped into my head, too, that I should probably write down my experiences being an aunt. I should write down my individual adventures with each one of them; share those memories so that I can hold onto them forever.

By the way, how cool is this...

Jen's bday: September 22
Lillian's bday: September 23
My bday: September 24

That doesn't happen everyday. :)

So Jen texted me this afternoon and said her contractions are 15 minutes apart, which means my new niece is most likely going to be here either tonight or sometime tomorrow (hopefully!)

I can't belive there's going to be a third baby in the family. (Christmas is going to be incredible!!) I can't believe Connor's going to be a big brother and that it won't just be him anymore. Whew! That will be an adjustment for him..LOL!

I love being an aunt. It is, hands down, the greatest feeling in the world. I love Connor and Harper like they were my own, and I can't wait to meet Lilly when she arrives. :)

I'm kinda frustrated...

1. I still haven't heard from this landlord about this apartment I'm dying for. He said he would leave an application with my mom last Friday; well, he never showed and when my mom went down to his store he wasn't there. Since I was working all day Friday and Saturday, she left him messages both days for me. It's Tues. evening and we still haven't heard from him. I checked his store again today and left another message. UGH!!!

2. I interviewed for a job today at a great furniture store. She pretty much hired me on the spot, but then later called telling me that, as it turns out, they really need someone to work every Sat. and Sun. and with my schedule at my other job, that doesn't work. So now I don't have the job. F*CK!!!

3. I looked at another apartment today that was a total waste of time, like so many others. It was tiny as could be, not petfriendly, and the rent price was ridic. AHHHH!!!

I swear, I must be bred of bad luck. This kind of crap always seems to happen to me and I don't understand why. I'd love for God or fate or whatever the hell's out there to give me a f***ing reason already.

It has been a crazy, hectic and very adventurous week. I started apartment hunting last week, just to sort of get an idea of what rentals are out there and what I could possibly afford, and I've officially fallen in love with an apartment I'm dying to get! If all goes well (say a prayer for me, mkay?), it will be mine in a few weeks(!!!)

It's beautiful, only a few minutes away from family, and the price is sick. It's a two bedroom, two story apartment with all new appliances/carpet/paint (with W/S/T included), and also has a spacious living room, dining room, kitchen, bath and extra small room. All for a fabulous price. I've only been looking for a one bedroom apartment since I've intended to live on my own, but now that I've found this two bedroom for the same price as a lot of the one bedrooms I was looking at, I can't pass it up.

I can't believe I may be getting my own place! Oh, PLEASE, dear God, let this actually manifest into reality!

:)

Damn, where has the time gone???

It's September. I love Fall, I'm ready for autumn and, normally, I'm super-excited about this time of year and, particularly, this month. My birthday's on the 24th, and I'm absolutely dreading it. I've never been virtually sick to my stomach over my birthday, but now I am...

I'll be turning 25 this month, and it makes me (seriously!) want to cry. Perhaps it's because I'm entering my mid-twenties. Maybe it's because I'm no longer a part of that hip, collective group of youngsters. Perhaps it's because a quarter of my life will officially be over. And maybe because I feel I have nothing to show for these 25 years I've been around. Or perhaps it's because I not only loathe the idea of growing old, but it also absolutely terrifies me. And I'm not afraid to admit it.

I'm so depressed I could eat a whole bucket full of rich, milky, insanely expensive and disgusting chocolate.

And I probably will.

Someone e-mail me on the 25th to make sure I haven't slit my wrists, okay?

(That's sarcasm.)

The rest isn't. It's totally for REAL.

So I've finally come up with a semi-solution to the whole "school" thing. I'm going back to get my teaching certificate in Art and English and, if all goes according to plan (when does it ever?), I'll be starting classes in the Fall. They've cut back everyone's hours at work again and, with me still living at home, I might as well take advantage of it all. I wasn't thrilled about the idea at first, but I have to say now that I've very excited. Quite honestly, it's such a relief to have come to a decision. I feel like I've been darting around madly for months now trying to come up with a solution. It feels wonderful to be able to see a little more clearly now.. Yay!

So, I've decided to get serious again about my writing and, more importantly, reading for pleasure. I hardly ever read anymore and that's ridiculous, so I've made it my goal to become an avid reader again. Right now I'm reading a few Philippa Gregory novels--I know plenty of people hate her, but I've wanted to read her books for a long time, mainly because I'm obsessed with anything related to Tudor history. I just finished The Other Boleyn Girl and now I'm reading The Boleyn Inheritance. Don't really care for it so far, but I'm gonna keep with it.

FYI, I started a separate LJ for all my future writing and reading endeavors. I need a place to unload my thoughts as I read and write. This spot will officially serve for all the other less constructed, less appropriate crap going on in my head. ;)

True Blood tonight. Yummmmm..

My favorite MJ song: Will You Be There?

Hold Me
Like The River Jordan
And I Will Then Say To Thee
You Are My Friend

Carry Me
Like You Are My Brother
Love Me Like A Mother
Would You Be There?

Weary
Tell Me Will You Hold Me
When Wrong, Will You Skold Me
When Lost Will You Find Me?

But They Told Me
A Man Should Be Faithful
And Walk When Not Able
And Fight Till The End
But I'm Only Human

Everyone's Taking Control Of Me
Seems That The World's
Got A Role For Me
I'm So Confused
Will You Show To Me
You'll Be There For Me
And Care Enough To Bear Me

(Hold Me) show me
(Lay Your Head Lowly)
told me
(Softly Then Boldly)
(Carry Me There)
I'm Only Human

(Lead Me)
hold me
(Love Me And Feed Me)
ye yeah
(Kiss Me And Free Me)
yeah
(I Will Feel Blessed)
I'm Only Human

(Carry)
Carry
(Carry Me Boldly)
Carry me
(Lift Me Up Slowly)
yeah
(Carry Me There)
I'm Only Human

(Save Me)
need me
(Heal Me And Bathe Me)
lift me up lift me up
(Softly You Say To Me)
(I Will Be There)
I Will Be There

(Lift Me)
i'm gonna care
(Lift Me Up Slowly)
(Carry Me Boldly)
yeah
(Show Me You Care)
Show Me You Care

(Hold Me)
whoooo
(Lay Your Head Lowly)
i git lonly some times
(Softly Then Boldly)
i git lonly
(Carry Me There)
yeah yeah carry me there
yeah yeah yeah
[Spoken]
In Our Darkest Hour
In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?
In My Trials
And My Tripulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part
For You're Always In My Heart.

We've all known this news for awhile now. But I'm still numb and shocked by it... Yes, he was a celebrity and, yes, I didn't know him but he was still an inspiration to me. A creative genius. An artist of the highest order. A true and honest entertainer who perfected his craft beyond anyone's imaginations or expectations. And now how's gone.

The creative imagination will suffer without you, MJ. Music, dance, entertainment, artistry will NEVER be the same. No one did it better than you and no one will come close to touching what you touched. I just wish I could have grown up in the '80s, early '90s when you were at the top of your game. I wish I could have seen you in concert. I wish we could have seen the last tour you planned to give that, I'm sure, would have knocked everyone's socks off and blown our expectations out of the water.

I'm sorry you were so troubled. I'm sorry you were hurting and sad and lonely at times. I'm sorry the (majority) of the world misunderstood you. I'm sorry that, at those times, I was one of them... Most of all though, I'm sorry we'll no longer be blessed with what you gave to us for so many years that we didn't appreciate: your music.

I hope that, wherever you are, MJ, you have found eternal peace and happiness. Thank You, from one artist to another.

RIP Michael Jackson.

You've been forewarned.

I just need to get this all off my chest because I'm getting more and more stressed over this whole mess: gradschool. Last year I was pretty dead set on going back to get my masters in Fine Arts. It didn't happen for many reasons. A). $$$, B). my current job (I had just gotten it around the time I was going to apply and realized I needed to save more for school--esp after being unemployed for amost two months), and C). I changed my mind about my degree. I love art, I love to paint, and it's something I will continue to pursue on my own. But going back for a pricey masters in art just isn't smart for me. I can't speak for other people, and I sincerely applaud other artists for doing it. I'll admit it. I don't have the 24/7 drive to succeed at it. I've done exhibitions, I try to get the word out there, but if I was a starving artist I'd be doing it constantly. I'd be doing it right now. I'm also not interested in teaching Fine Arts, which is one of the major reasons for going for the MFA. Not my style.

So, I've been at this current job for over six months now. It's going alright, but I always considered this a "temporary" job--a stepping stone along the way towards doing something I really want to do. I don't love this job by any means, and while it's a great company that I can "move up" in, that doesn't really benefit me much because it's still not a career path I'm passionate about. Or interested in. I realize a lot of people out there do their jobs for the money. They may hate the job itself, but the money is worth it to them. That's cool, I see nothing wrong with that. I'm torn in that department though.. The longer I've been in the workplace, the more I'm realizing that I desperately need the money (and need a hell of a lot more than I'm making now!) but I also can't stand wasting 40+ hours a week doing something I dislike. That's way too much enery and time wasted on discontentment and misery. LOL.

I'm pretty much stuck between a rock and a hard place now. I've ruled out going back for Fine Arts, but I want to get a jump start on my life. It's agonizing to realize how much time I'm wasting.. Yet, gradschool is incredibly expensive. Since I pretty much screwed up going to school the first time around, I certainly don't want to f*** it up in the second round! A major problem is I have so many interests...so many career avenues I'd love to pursue. History, English (writing/journalism), Travel/Tourism, Curating/Archiving, Archaeology, Film Editing, Web Design. What the hell do I do??? There's too many options to consider. I don't want to waste too much time deciding, and I don't want to waste time making the wrong decision.

I almost feel like I'm procrastinating. I'm going to be 25 this year, I have a degree already that hasn't been very beneficial, I'm making horrible money (certainly not at the BA level that I should have, having a degree and all), and I don't like what I do. Something's gotta give, and soon. I can't take this anymore.

I just want to start my life. And I want it to envolve something I really love. Something that makes me excited to get out of bed every morning. Something that stimulates me, holds my interest, does not get old and repetitive and boring.

Uggggghhhhhhhhhh...

I'm exhausted trying to be strong all the time... It's not working. I dunno how I've managed it this long, but I don't think I can hold out much longer. I've told myself that many times, but this time it's different.. It's honest. And real.

The loneliness and misunderstanding is all-consuming. It's claustrophobic and inevitable...intense and unmoving...crushing and bleak...

I've often wondered how I've made it to 24.. If I were gone tomorrow, it wouldn't be much of a life...no great story to tell. And the world goes on as it always does; makes you realize how insignificant we are--both on a grand scale, but also on a personal level. The people we love go on, as they should, but I think I'd be quickly forgotten..which makes me different. Not unique, not special by any means..just different. I don't see myself living to old age. I don't see myself doing all the things I'm supposed to do..but I don't see myself reaching a point where it makes sense, where there's reason and rational for my existence, why God put me here.. I've searched for over a decade. And the result? What a waste of time and energy.. It's amounted to nothing.. I've, really, amounted to nothing. I'm not saying I would have been doing a favor by leaving, but it couldn't have hurt, you know? As I've said, insignificance. Doesn't matter. Either way. Exist, don't exist. There's no gamble, there's no right or wrong, there's no path to choose. It's a very simple concept that poets and dreamers and those begging for rationality pass up as complex and deep. Well, it's not. Action and action. Forget cause and reaction..they're insignificant. You do or you don't, you be or you don't be, you die and you die. We all die. It's the "matter-of-facto".

And no, I'm not tripping. I'm being honest. With myself.

Sooo...hi.

Once again, I haven't updated in a decade. I apologize. My journal deserves better than that, and I'll try harder from here on out.

There's a lot of ups and downs at the moment. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with my family. Heh. What else is new? They don't understand me and, thereby, ignore me. When I actually do speak up and express myself I'm often put down and told, basically in so many words, to be silent. About a month ago I confronted my siblings about something they did that was very hurtful to me and I received a gang-up in return. No one listened, and I was told to shut up. Well, I won't do that anymore. I'm taking a stand for a change and, naturally, I'm paying for it. "The silent treatment". Whatever. At least I wasn't bullied into silence this time; I'm proud of that. The only thing in this whole catastrophe that's killing me is Connor. I've hardly seen him these past couple weeks. I'm used to only going days not seeing him, so I feel like I'm suffocating... It's devasting and heartaching. I'm trying to be strong, but most of the time I can't help it. I've broken down sobbing many times. I miss him so much... He is my world. :(

Hmmm, what else... Oh, they've cut down everyone's hours at work (with the exception of a few people, by seniority, who are keeping their full-time hours and benefits despite the fact that ummmm they don't actually work or pull their weight like the rest of us.) My hours have been cut back and I'm no longer getting the full-time benefits I've been promised for six months. I was the only one putting in lots of over-time every week, so I guess that's what I get for being so niave as to think I wouldn't be one of the ones getting their hours cut. Oh, well. I'm looking for a second job and hoping something pops up soon. But with this economy, who knows...

So, you may be wondering what's good in my life right now. Heh. Well, I think I've "met" someone. :) I know it's probably too soon to say that, and I'm trying not to get overly excited by anything. But his name's Eric, he's super nice and super interesting and loves art and thinks I'm interesting so...that's great! I haven't been genuinely interested in someone for a very long time. And God knows I haven't been in a relationship for much longer than I care to remember. :-/ So, if something develops, that would be wonderful. If not, I think I can safely say he could end up being a good friend, which is also fine.

I'll leave it at that for now.

And it's launched. Ta daaaa! Check it out. :)