An Artist's Musings...

My favorite MJ song: Will You Be There?

Hold Me
Like The River Jordan
And I Will Then Say To Thee
You Are My Friend

Carry Me
Like You Are My Brother
Love Me Like A Mother
Would You Be There?

Weary
Tell Me Will You Hold Me
When Wrong, Will You Skold Me
When Lost Will You Find Me?

But They Told Me
A Man Should Be Faithful
And Walk When Not Able
And Fight Till The End
But I'm Only Human

Everyone's Taking Control Of Me
Seems That The World's
Got A Role For Me
I'm So Confused
Will You Show To Me
You'll Be There For Me
And Care Enough To Bear Me

(Hold Me) show me
(Lay Your Head Lowly)
told me
(Softly Then Boldly)
(Carry Me There)
I'm Only Human

(Lead Me)
hold me
(Love Me And Feed Me)
ye yeah
(Kiss Me And Free Me)
yeah
(I Will Feel Blessed)
I'm Only Human

(Carry)
Carry
(Carry Me Boldly)
Carry me
(Lift Me Up Slowly)
yeah
(Carry Me There)
I'm Only Human

(Save Me)
need me
(Heal Me And Bathe Me)
lift me up lift me up
(Softly You Say To Me)
(I Will Be There)
I Will Be There

(Lift Me)
i'm gonna care
(Lift Me Up Slowly)
(Carry Me Boldly)
yeah
(Show Me You Care)
Show Me You Care

(Hold Me)
whoooo
(Lay Your Head Lowly)
i git lonly some times
(Softly Then Boldly)
i git lonly
(Carry Me There)
yeah yeah carry me there
yeah yeah yeah
[Spoken]
In Our Darkest Hour
In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?
In My Trials
And My Tripulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part
For You're Always In My Heart.

We've all known this news for awhile now. But I'm still numb and shocked by it... Yes, he was a celebrity and, yes, I didn't know him but he was still an inspiration to me. A creative genius. An artist of the highest order. A true and honest entertainer who perfected his craft beyond anyone's imaginations or expectations. And now how's gone.

The creative imagination will suffer without you, MJ. Music, dance, entertainment, artistry will NEVER be the same. No one did it better than you and no one will come close to touching what you touched. I just wish I could have grown up in the '80s, early '90s when you were at the top of your game. I wish I could have seen you in concert. I wish we could have seen the last tour you planned to give that, I'm sure, would have knocked everyone's socks off and blown our expectations out of the water.

I'm sorry you were so troubled. I'm sorry you were hurting and sad and lonely at times. I'm sorry the (majority) of the world misunderstood you. I'm sorry that, at those times, I was one of them... Most of all though, I'm sorry we'll no longer be blessed with what you gave to us for so many years that we didn't appreciate: your music.

I hope that, wherever you are, MJ, you have found eternal peace and happiness. Thank You, from one artist to another.

RIP Michael Jackson.

You've been forewarned.

I just need to get this all off my chest because I'm getting more and more stressed over this whole mess: gradschool. Last year I was pretty dead set on going back to get my masters in Fine Arts. It didn't happen for many reasons. A). $$$, B). my current job (I had just gotten it around the time I was going to apply and realized I needed to save more for school--esp after being unemployed for amost two months), and C). I changed my mind about my degree. I love art, I love to paint, and it's something I will continue to pursue on my own. But going back for a pricey masters in art just isn't smart for me. I can't speak for other people, and I sincerely applaud other artists for doing it. I'll admit it. I don't have the 24/7 drive to succeed at it. I've done exhibitions, I try to get the word out there, but if I was a starving artist I'd be doing it constantly. I'd be doing it right now. I'm also not interested in teaching Fine Arts, which is one of the major reasons for going for the MFA. Not my style.

So, I've been at this current job for over six months now. It's going alright, but I always considered this a "temporary" job--a stepping stone along the way towards doing something I really want to do. I don't love this job by any means, and while it's a great company that I can "move up" in, that doesn't really benefit me much because it's still not a career path I'm passionate about. Or interested in. I realize a lot of people out there do their jobs for the money. They may hate the job itself, but the money is worth it to them. That's cool, I see nothing wrong with that. I'm torn in that department though.. The longer I've been in the workplace, the more I'm realizing that I desperately need the money (and need a hell of a lot more than I'm making now!) but I also can't stand wasting 40+ hours a week doing something I dislike. That's way too much enery and time wasted on discontentment and misery. LOL.

I'm pretty much stuck between a rock and a hard place now. I've ruled out going back for Fine Arts, but I want to get a jump start on my life. It's agonizing to realize how much time I'm wasting.. Yet, gradschool is incredibly expensive. Since I pretty much screwed up going to school the first time around, I certainly don't want to f*** it up in the second round! A major problem is I have so many interests...so many career avenues I'd love to pursue. History, English (writing/journalism), Travel/Tourism, Curating/Archiving, Archaeology, Film Editing, Web Design. What the hell do I do??? There's too many options to consider. I don't want to waste too much time deciding, and I don't want to waste time making the wrong decision.

I almost feel like I'm procrastinating. I'm going to be 25 this year, I have a degree already that hasn't been very beneficial, I'm making horrible money (certainly not at the BA level that I should have, having a degree and all), and I don't like what I do. Something's gotta give, and soon. I can't take this anymore.

I just want to start my life. And I want it to envolve something I really love. Something that makes me excited to get out of bed every morning. Something that stimulates me, holds my interest, does not get old and repetitive and boring.

Uggggghhhhhhhhhh...

I'm exhausted trying to be strong all the time... It's not working. I dunno how I've managed it this long, but I don't think I can hold out much longer. I've told myself that many times, but this time it's different.. It's honest. And real.

The loneliness and misunderstanding is all-consuming. It's claustrophobic and inevitable...intense and unmoving...crushing and bleak...

I've often wondered how I've made it to 24.. If I were gone tomorrow, it wouldn't be much of a life...no great story to tell. And the world goes on as it always does; makes you realize how insignificant we are--both on a grand scale, but also on a personal level. The people we love go on, as they should, but I think I'd be quickly forgotten..which makes me different. Not unique, not special by any means..just different. I don't see myself living to old age. I don't see myself doing all the things I'm supposed to do..but I don't see myself reaching a point where it makes sense, where there's reason and rational for my existence, why God put me here.. I've searched for over a decade. And the result? What a waste of time and energy.. It's amounted to nothing.. I've, really, amounted to nothing. I'm not saying I would have been doing a favor by leaving, but it couldn't have hurt, you know? As I've said, insignificance. Doesn't matter. Either way. Exist, don't exist. There's no gamble, there's no right or wrong, there's no path to choose. It's a very simple concept that poets and dreamers and those begging for rationality pass up as complex and deep. Well, it's not. Action and action. Forget cause and reaction..they're insignificant. You do or you don't, you be or you don't be, you die and you die. We all die. It's the "matter-of-facto".

And no, I'm not tripping. I'm being honest. With myself.

Sooo...hi.

Once again, I haven't updated in a decade. I apologize. My journal deserves better than that, and I'll try harder from here on out.

There's a lot of ups and downs at the moment. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with my family. Heh. What else is new? They don't understand me and, thereby, ignore me. When I actually do speak up and express myself I'm often put down and told, basically in so many words, to be silent. About a month ago I confronted my siblings about something they did that was very hurtful to me and I received a gang-up in return. No one listened, and I was told to shut up. Well, I won't do that anymore. I'm taking a stand for a change and, naturally, I'm paying for it. "The silent treatment". Whatever. At least I wasn't bullied into silence this time; I'm proud of that. The only thing in this whole catastrophe that's killing me is Connor. I've hardly seen him these past couple weeks. I'm used to only going days not seeing him, so I feel like I'm suffocating... It's devasting and heartaching. I'm trying to be strong, but most of the time I can't help it. I've broken down sobbing many times. I miss him so much... He is my world. :(

Hmmm, what else... Oh, they've cut down everyone's hours at work (with the exception of a few people, by seniority, who are keeping their full-time hours and benefits despite the fact that ummmm they don't actually work or pull their weight like the rest of us.) My hours have been cut back and I'm no longer getting the full-time benefits I've been promised for six months. I was the only one putting in lots of over-time every week, so I guess that's what I get for being so niave as to think I wouldn't be one of the ones getting their hours cut. Oh, well. I'm looking for a second job and hoping something pops up soon. But with this economy, who knows...

So, you may be wondering what's good in my life right now. Heh. Well, I think I've "met" someone. :) I know it's probably too soon to say that, and I'm trying not to get overly excited by anything. But his name's Eric, he's super nice and super interesting and loves art and thinks I'm interesting so...that's great! I haven't been genuinely interested in someone for a very long time. And God knows I haven't been in a relationship for much longer than I care to remember. :-/ So, if something develops, that would be wonderful. If not, I think I can safely say he could end up being a good friend, which is also fine.

I'll leave it at that for now.

And it's launched. Ta daaaa! Check it out. :)

So, I've been on a very serious Bill Nighy kick. The man is brilliant. I think I've always sort of known that, but it was only recently that I started paying much closer attention; particularly after seeing Valkyrie (which, despite the fact that it stars Mr. Scientology aka Tom Cruise, is one of my new favorite films). Then I rented the first two Underworld films and saw the third in theaters not too long ago. Then I rewatched the Pirates of the Carribean films, focusing solely on Davey Jones. And then there's the fact that I can't flippin' wait to see him in The Boat That Rocked. Yeah, I'm hooked. He may be a classy middle-aged English man, but he's just...so...COOL. :) And for those who weren't sure where this is going, I'm starting a website on the man. So look for that soon.

In other news, I'm very grateful for my brother-in-law, Chad. It seems he's the sole person I can turn to in my family if there's a problem, and he reached out to me today when I really, really needed it. I sent him an e-mail about my situation and am awaiting his response. I'm so thankful for him. And Connor.

I've been working a LOT of overtime at my new job. I can't remember the last week I worked where I didn't put in overtime. But I'm finally at a .80 FTE, which means now I get full-time benefits. Woohoo! (Before, I was working overtime with part-time benefits, so that explains the current excitement.) My boss has placed me on a local committee to represent our team, and I recently had my 90-day review which went awesome. I spoke to my supervisor about "moving up" and what to do next. She's basically been guiding me and helping me make that happen, which is also exciting. I'm really hoping that soon I can make more money. I desperately need to work and save as much as possible.

Ugh, the weekend's almost over. Why do my days off always fly by while the work week just drags? :-P

As usual, it's been forever since I last wrote here at LJ. A lot has changed since I last dropped in...

In November, I got a job working at Lancaster General Hospital. Not really our local hospital, but their new Outpatient building (aka the Downtown Pavillion). I'm a patient access rep, so I put orders into the computer for patients' insurance, their appointments (lab or radiology), take them where they need to go, etc. The pros are that a). I have a job (and in this godawful economic meltdown, that's a relief) and b). I LOVE the people I work with (literally; we all hang out outside of work and are having a great time). Do I want to be there forever? No. Do I still want to go back to school? Absolutely. Just don't know when. The timing for my plans turned out to not be right, so we'll see. Maybe in another year or two, hard to tell at the moment.

Kristen's due in mid-March, and we found out before Christmas that she's having a girl. Can't wait to have a little niece to spoil! :) Connor's adoreable as ever and growing rapidly. He, Jen, and Chad finally moved into their new house in December, which was really hard for me at first. I miss him terribly. But, luckily, they're only five minutes away so I still see them often. We just found out last weekend, too, that Jen's pregnant again(!!) So, Connor's going to be a big brother. I couldn't be more excited!! :)

Those are the main things going on at the moment. Life's pretty good, overall.

So...things have really gone downhill the past few days.

I've been feeling pretty low, pretty sad, borderline depressed. I really don't want to go down this road again so I'm trying to take every precaution I can to protect myself, but it's proving pretty difficult. I still haven't found a job, which is making me feel completely incompetent. (And stupid.) Unworthy, too, I guess. No one seems to want to hire me, so I must be pretty pathetic if that's the case.

I feel like, as a result, my dreams are going out the window. All my "big plans" are looking like they may never happen now, which really sucks. Really sucks. I've been sitting here the past couple days completely questioning why the hell I'm here. What the f*ck is my purpose? There's definitely no purpose right now. Ugh. It's frustrating.

Or maybe I've just been kidding myself the entire time with all these plans I've been trying to set in motion. They're just too big, I guess. Or I'm just too stupid for them to ever happen. Looking back on myself, it makes me want to throw up.

That's probably not a good thing. LOL!

So, basically this past month I've been able to think of nothing else (literally!) except...well, gradschool. Surprise, surprise. I finally got my Prospectus from the RCA earlier this week (yipeee!!!) As I read through, I was--no joke--virtually in tears. I want this so badly it's almost ridiculous. But there seem to be a lot of odds stacked against me:

• For starters (and a BIG factor not to be overlooked), our economy right now is totally in the crapper. The US dollar is worth nothing, which makes any gradschool, whether it's here or abroad, more expensive than ever. And who knows when things are going to improve...or get worse.

• The more I've looked at the RCA, the more I've also been forced to consider other options (aka other art universities) abroad. With the current exchange rate, and with the RCA tuition just having risen, I'm looking at a $40,000+ per year tuition fee. I'm not exactly going back to school to cure cancer. I'm an artist. The more I look at that number, the more sick I feel because that is a hell of a lot of money to shell out for a creative degree. Not that I couldn't further my career with my Masters, but it def. makes me uncomfortable. I think what made it worse was this afternoon I jumped on the Oxford website, just for kicks and to see how much their tuition is. Surprisingly, it's quite a bit LESS to go to Oxford than it is to go to the RCA. Actually, you could cut the cost in half. Umm...yeah. I was shocked, too.

As a result of this unpleasant discovery, I feel I need to consider other art schools in the UK and not particularly in London. (Just saying that kills me). I've decided to also apply to the Glasgow School of Art in Scotland and possibly the Edinburgh Art College as well. They're not my first choices, of course, but I'm just not sure what to think anymore. A part of me wonders if I should just abandon this dream altogether and go back to school for something completely different. (And a career that would be more financially secure). That alternative, however, could also be miserable because I wouldn't be doing what I love.

I'm so sick of thinking about this. But this decision is by far the most important one of my life up to this point and, well, I don't want to fuck it up. Plain and simple. Ugh. This is so annoying, too, because I was so set on my decision just a few days ago. Now I feel completely uncertain and am really starting to doubt myself. And no one in my family really understands. Sure, they realize getting a Masters is a big decision but when it comes to art, it's a foreign field to them. So, I can't really rely on their suggestions or input either.

I'm off to rip my hair out. Seriously.

Ho, hum. Another birthday. You know, these birthdays are becoming less and less fun the older I get. :-P

So...still no Prospectus from my dream school. And still no reply to my contacting them at least twenty days ago...

Needless to say, I'm a little, ahem, worried. :(

Oh, I've been renting a lot of London-related videos on Netflix, because I'm a sucker. (Though I probably shouldn't be getting myself all excited given the current status, but whatever.) Off to do more London research..

So, a couple days ago I sent out an e-mail to a few of the galleries in Lancaster city, just to see if any of them might be hiring or in need of a gallery assistant. I really didn't expect to get any responses back..but, surprisingly, one got back to me almost instantly. She told me to drop off my resume so the next afternoon I did, and I'm thinking I just might have a job there. It would only be part-time, but that's better than nothing. This is the kind of job I should be in, considering my degree, so hopefully it will work out. She said she would phone me next week. *fingers crossed!*

Other than that, in the next two weeks I'll probably have to be on the hunt for, yet, another part-time job..maybe even a third if I can manage it. I'm rather stressed out, because now that I've come to all my grad school conclusions, I should have started saving up back in, oh, May when I graduated(!) If I would get into my school of choice, I only have about a year to save up money for rent and expenses. RCA doesn't provide any school housing so I wouldn't be able to configure that into my tuition. Not good. And having only a year to save up money is NOT very encouraging...it's rather nauseating. :-(

Which reminds me, I know it's only been a few days, but when I emailed the RCA about requesting a Prospectus, I've never heard back. I'm really hoping they've sent it off to me and just forgot to reply... But, I'm not sure what to do if, say, in a week or two I still don't have a brochure in the mail.

So, this afternoon my sister and I decided to take a bunch of photographs of the family business so that I could put them on the company website I'm going to design. We were going to go to the top of the old feed mill to get some cool ariel shots but...basically, we're both big chicken shits. I wimped out after the first level we climbed. We both tried to go further up, but it was so windy and, um, crazy, that we decided against it in the end. Probably a wise choice.

No big weekend plans. It's been sooo humid and hot here the past few days that rain's in the forecast for the entire weekend. I'm rather looking forward to it. (And that's not me being sarcastic. I really do enjoy the rain.)

I'm so giddy right now it's ridiculous...

I've had the entire summer to figure out certain "future plans" regarding grad school. I've decided not only do I HAVE to get my Masters abroad, but I want to get my Masters in Fine Arts (Painting) and not something else entirely. I've been eyeing up the Royal College of Art for several months now (and it's located in..where else? Lovely LONDON. Shocked? Me neither. HA!) I've officially decided to apply for next Fall term. If I get accepted (which would be AMAZING), then it's done. I'll be getting my MFA in London. Eeeek!! The mere idea of that happening literally gives me goosebumps. This has been a dream of mine for so long..I can almost taste it now. :)

But, eh, I guess I have to get accepted first. LOL. I'm waiting on a brochure from them (in addition to several other London art schools) and, in the meantime, to make absoluely sure this is where I want to go and pay back loooots of loans for, my mom and I are looking into flying over to London for a couple days to check out the universities.

We'll see what happens. I'm optimistic. And even if it wouldn't happen next year, I know in my heart I can make it happen sometime. Yay! :)

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemies eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing:
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt, and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can not explain
Once you know there was never, never an honest word
That was when I ruled the world
(Ohhh)

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in.
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People could not believe what I'd become
Revolutionaries Wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can not explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world
(Ohhhhh Ohhh Ohhh)

Hear Jerusalem bells are ringings
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can not explain
I know Saint Peter will call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world
Oooooh Oooooh Oooooh

So...job hunting has officially begun. I have no intention of working for my dad, so after I fill in for my sister for a week in mid-September, I'm out of there. The problem is I don't feel qualified for anything I've looked at so far. That also comes with lack of confidence, I know, but I'm terrified. I don't want to end up in a dead-end job for the next couple years. I'd like to do something art-related; a job that stimulates and challenges me both creatively and intellectually...but there aren't any jobs like that in Lancaster, I'm afraid. :(

Oh, and I'm going through Olympics withdrawal. I was pretty disappointed in the closing ceremonies, and I was even more disappointed in London's little number (aka preview) for the 2012 Olympics.. But I'm still really excited for the games to be held there. I know I'm a total dork, and it's another four years away, but I don't care. It's exciting.

So, we leave for the beach on Saturday and will come home the following Sunday. I cannot freakin' wait!!!

Other than that, I've been keeping myself busy. I started working out twice a day to loose the 30 pounds I've wanted to loose for, like...five years. But it seems to be working, and I have to say I feel completely rejuvinated and better for it. It's also helping my blood sugars, too, which is major. Hopefully, I can keep it up next week at the beach..I'm rather nervous of resorting back to laziness while I'm there. :-/

Connor's currently down for a nap. It's my last week babysitting, and I'm rather bittersweet about it. On the one hand, it's liberating. It's not like I planned to do this for the rest of my life. But I'm going to miss him terribly throughout the day. He's so darn cute.

I've been watching the Olympics a lot more than I did in past years. Michael Phelps = AMAZING! Misty May and Carrie Welsh, however, have been my absolute favs to watch this year. They're just UNBELIEVEABLE (and unbeatable!) Oh, and I hope the Olympic Committee has half a brain and strips China of all their gold womens' gymnastics medals...because those girls are twelve, at most. Eh, but I won't get started on that country because then I'll end up saying some really foul stuff I shouldn't. (I'll only say that they'll do ANYTHING to win! Anything!!) On a much happier note, I'm psyched for the London Olympics in 2012..perhaps I'll even be there during that time? :) Wouldn't that be wonderful..

I reconnected with an old friend from middle school/high school about a week ago. She had come to my art show and lives right down the street from me, but for whatever reason we lost touch and hadn't hung out in years. We went out for dinner and drinks last Friday and found out we go to the same gym, so we're now doing that together twice a week, which has been nice. It feels good hanging out with her again, especially considering how isolated I've been. So, yay for that!

That's about it. I should probably go pack.

So, going to the beach in two weeks. My mom, me, Jen, Chad, and Connor did this last year..and hoping to make a ritual thing every summer. We had a blast last time, so I'm sure we'll have an even better time now that Connor will really get to play at the beach. He's walking everywhere now. On his own. It's frightening and totally exciting.

Once we get back from the beach though, I'll no longer be nannying him. He starts Day Care the beginning of September. I'm really worried to how he'll adjust, but I hope it will be good for him. He needs to be socialized now, but I'm going to miss seeing him constantly. I've been spoiled by him.

In the meantime, I'll be working for my dad which is not exciting at all. I keep looking online at different jobs but feel totally inadequate and unqualified for everything I look at... It's really depressing. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever amount to anything. I had my art exhibition a little over a week ago which went well, but I dunno. I feel so...not confident anymore. I'm so afraid that I'm going to end up sticking around in borish Pennsylvania working for my dad because I can't do any better.. And this is all I keep thinking about on a daily basis. I think I've had a few panick attacks, too, over this whole awful predicament: my future. It's looking pretty grim.. :(

Well, off to clean my room. My life is so...not interesting. This sucks.

I feel my life is in limbo... Things are happening, sure, but none of it is enough for me. Not nearly enough... I crave so much more. I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start and, obviously, it won't start unless I do something.

Still, I dunno how to change or how to adjust or how to make things happen that I would like to happen. I want a life that is totally my own, and I want to do things I'm always day-dreaming about...but I dunno how to accomplish them or even where to start.

I feel very lost, isolated, and alone. None of that is new, of course, but this time those "feelings" are in a totally different context. I feel lost as to where I, as a person, belong, isolated within my confinements and alone in my thoughts. It's becoming increasingly frustrating.. I'm starting to wonder if I'm loosing my mind.. :(

I'm sick to my stomach as I write this..but Randy Pausch passed away this morning after his courageous battle with pancreatic cancer. He was inspiration to millions as a dying man who taught us more fortunate in years how to live and live well.

Thank You, Randy Pausch. Rest in peace.